sandalphon | inbox / recourt

[AUdei attempts to message Phainon after a short bit of sleep, only to find himself blocked. Hoping it's a mistake, he frantically calls him about... 12 times before he finally gives up.

Well.

He was right after all. He's been rejected and abandoned, just like he should've expected. He feels disgusting, and he dwells on that brand new shiny self-loathing while he drags himself to the bath to remove any mess he may have slept in out of misery. He really is the one who ruins everything, isn't he? Of course Phainon wouldn't want to see him, knowing that -- knowing he's the kind of person so degraded by torture that he won't even say anything about burning.

Mydei's unbreakable pride has bent to an all-time low at this point, but there's just enough left that as he sits there in the coolest pool, getting every last smear of soot off of him, he starts to get angry.

Even if he is a curse on his own world, what right does this other Phainon have to treat him the same way as his own? What did he do to that Phainon to deserve the insult of loose coins and loneliness? At the very least, he deserves a reckoning before they part.

And so just as the sun starts to warm Court, Mydei goes hunting. No matter where Phainon is or how long it takes, he's absolutely determined to find him.]

[There are a thousand variables to a hunt, but Phainon's lived through millions of of hunts. It's easy for him to keep moving when he hears Mydei, or spots him.

But what he doesn't consider is that this is not a Mydei who was trapped in the cycles he perpetrated. He is used to being the one doing the chasing, the trapping, the mercy killing; he is not used to being hunted. So it takes a couple of hours, yes, but just as the morning is breaking Phainon gets so mired in his self-flagellation that he gets cocky. Stops paying attention to Mydei, because surely he'd have given up now...?

There's a network of alleys behind the shops - dingy, dark, damp with various things - and Phainon's curled up behind a pile of crates, staring at nothing. His phone's sitting next to him at very low battery, and his once-bright neon pink shirt is streaked with dirt.]

[This Mydei is used to hunting, and used to doing such dishonorable things as sneaking. He approaches softly, suppressing his emotions and power as much as possible to minimize his presence.

Then, suddenly, Phainon will find himself entangled in a mass of crystal, just as Mydei jumps down from the shop roof on top of him.]

Don't you dare run!

[Well what else is he supposed to do after that but run? Hello?

He's getting the Reaver flavor, because Phainon can't break free of this much crystal, and he is Very Unwilling to turn into Khaslana, because he is NOT roasting Mydei again. It takes him several precious moments to shatter the crystal, though, and even with the mask on he's radiating panic.]

Stay away from me!

Stay away from you!?

[Scary form or not, Mydei grabs hold of Phainon's wrists to keep him close as long as he can. He speaks quickly, audibly frantic and trying to get his words out before Phainon can flee.]

I know what I've done to my own world, but what have I done to you that you can no longer bear to be near me!? That you would mock me as you did last night!? The only thing I ask of you is that you do not leave me!

[He's furious, of course, but the crack in his voice at the end is deeply, horribly wounded.]

[The struggling stops immediately as Mydei keeps talking, his voice ringing in Phainon's ears, and he just sort of sits there, extremely confused.]

Mydei I killed you less than twelve hours ago. [His entire body twitches.] What part of- none of that was mocking you! What the hell are you talking about?!

You hurt me, rejected me wanting your care, and handed me coin like some common whore! What part of that was not an insult!?

[Whether Phainon meant it that way or not, that's the message Mydei recieved. It doesn't make sense to him why killing him should even matter, let alone justify refusing to see him. The thought hadn't even entered his mind.]

Why- why does any of that matter?!

[Phainon struggles anew, but this time it's not to get away, but to try and put his hands on Mydei's shoulders to rattle him.]

I shouldn't be near you! Any of you! I managed to save you this time but what if I don't the next! The money should- it should be enough for- I don't know, something that makes you happy!

[Phainon knows he's fucked up the moment he says it, because in all the cycles he's known Mydei he did not give a fuck about coin. What made him happy was--]

You should live a life where I'm not in it to fuck it up!

[Phainon can rattle him if he wants. Mydei doesn't stop him. His tone goes darker though, full of heartbreak and resentment and barely-contained madness.]

I have never once had a life that was not "fucked up", Phainon. The only true happiness afforded to me has come from a version of you, and the only joy in thousands of years has been with you.

One simple death is a frivolous romp compared to the suffering my own Phainon gives to me.

[His hands curl on Mydei's shoulders, stilling. He realizes what he's feeling, amidst the confusion and panic: it's fear.]

He- [He drops his hands. Presses himself back against the crystals and the disgusting alley wall, trying very hard not to comprehend what he's realizing.]

You're just as obsessive as he is with you. Why have you never killed him?

Because I will not abandon or give up on him as long as there is a single spark of hope. No amount of pain is too great to bear to see him well again.

[So, yeah. He's obsessed alright. And he's stepping forward to stay in Phainon's face.]

That is your Phainon!

[He dissolves the mask and yells at Mydei, wide-eyed, crumbling heart beating so fast he thinks Mydei would be able to hear it.]

I have bathed in rivers of your spilt blood. Of everyone else's. I have condemned billions of lives. Destroyed our home for the smallest - sliver of-

[Are they the same? Dragging themselves through the muck for an infinitesimal chance? No. Phainon's worse, he's far more worse, every moment Mydei spends in his orbit is a terror waiting to happen.]

There is nothing for you here! Nothing left for either of us!

I know that!

[He yells back in a frustrated roar, eyes burning but completely unwilling to give Phainon even an inch of space.]

It is because you are a different Phainon that I'm standing here right now, you fool! You said you've given every Mydeimos a quick death, didn't you!? If that's true, then my Phainon will outpace you in only a few millenia more!

I have been made into a conscious doll! I have had my skin flayed from my flesh! I have been burnt in the flames of my own library, saved only to be left to die from the dirt in my wounds! I have been fucked in holes that did not exist until minutes before the deed was done!

Once, I was chained with my innards wrapped around my neck, dying again and again from infection, from thirst, from the insects and wild beasts come to feed on my wounds. For months while he plotted the death of the reality we'd landed in. I could do nothing but plead in futility when he came to enjoy the spectacle and make use of my body!

There is nothing you can tell me now that will convince me not to want you! In this place there is still you. There is still me. If there is nothing else left for us, then let us become something ourselves!

What?

[Phainon's already lifting his hands to cradle Mydei's face. He doesn't know if he should cover Mydei's mouth or pull him close or shove him away, paralyzed by the mere thought that Phainon could - that he had the capacity for cruelty like that - that he'd hurt Mydei like that, just for the sake of what? Hurting him?]

Mydei, what? [His eyes burn wet. He doesn't notice the tears, his hands shaking violently where they're cupped against Mydei's jaw.] You went through all of - he - I would never-- [Phainon's voice cracks. He knows he should rebuke that last statement, he should say no, but all he can do now is gasp and pull Mydei into a horrified embrace.]

I know you wouldn't.

[A Phainon that has lived through millions of Mydeis and still cares for their pain couldn't possibly become like his own, right?

He leans his face against Phainon's hands until he's been pulled into that warm embrace. Then he melts into it, taking the opportunity to cling tightly with equally shaky hands. His voice goes soft and vulnerable, as he buries his face in Phainon's shoulder.]

You're different. So... Even if I am a blight, please don't throw me away.

No! You're not a blight, I'm not throwing you away!

[He says, after, you know, leaving him to wallow in post resurrection misery. Phainon seems loathe to separate them, at least, pressing his protests against Mydei's hair.]

What made you think that? I was just trying to protect you! If anything I'm the blight!

You left.

[That's what really matters, as far as he's concerned.]

He always leaves when he's done. In my eyes, that is the worst thing you can do to me.

[There's a pause. Phainon draws back just enough to look Mydei in the face.]

I left because I was scared. Mydei. There was a moment I was happy I killed you, because for the first time in eons, I did so without taking you out of the cycle. That I could live, and somewhere under a sky we share, you could live too.

I see no point in living if there is no version of you near me.

[Maybe that's madness in itself, but it's how he feels. Still, he ought to be more considerate of Phainon's feelings. He needs comfort even more than Mydei.]

...You don't deserve the burden you carry, Phainon. Your heart is too kind for such loneliness.

[WHY ARE YOU THE ONE COMFORTING HIM AFTER YOU JUST SAID YOU WENT THROUGH TORTURE BONANZA 9000]

I could say the same of you.

[He sighs, though, curling a hand around Mydei's nape.]

I think we're going to be stubborn about this until the end of time.

[Mydei isn't capable of believing Phainon's reassurance right now. Not after what he learned last night. But... It feels good to hear anyway, so he doesn't say so.

Instead he meets Phainon's eyes with uncharacteristic nervousness and an overflowing of affection. They've technically known eachother for only a few days, but Phainon is Phainon and Mydei is Mydei. Their souls will call for eachother in any timeline, in any cycle, even when they're enemies.]

Perhaps.

[He grounds his hands on Phainon's hips, holding just a little too tight to be comfortable.]

You might as well accept my curse on you. No matter how far you run or how many fights I lose, I will never let you escape me.

Is that a promise?

[What a luxury to ask! What a delusion. What a grand dream. Phainon knows it would take more than one conversation to work through it, the both of them splintered in their own way.

But this Mydei knows how to tread in the footsteps Phainon leaves behind. A god tempered by countless threads of fate, by a million deaths, and maybe, just maybe, Phainon would let that hope in, let it settle in the cracks of himself.]

Hey. Look at me. Just so you know, when we first met here, I already wanted to marry you too.

I would accept your proposal in a billion lives.

[He can't imagine ever wanting otherwise. This Mydei has long since become a satellite caught in Phainon's gravity. He will go with him anywhere, love him in every imaginable way, and endure anything to stay by his side.

Of course the details are a mess. They don't agree on everything, and they're bound to clash while they gradually figure eachother out. But those troubles seem insignificant to him in the face of his obsession.]

Even if you make me want to drown you in the lake.

[Phainon winces. Squirms a little in Mydei's grasp, having the grace to look abashed.]

...I'm taking you didn't like the pajamas.

I did not. I still wore them, though.

[Mydei refuses to let go of Phainon just yet, but he needs to punish him a little... He considers, then leans in and bites his ear almost hard enough to draw blood.]

inbox / recourt

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